Flirting Cards Down

This is a spontaneous story of non-commitment.

As I lay all my cards down and reminisce all those things I failed to do and still failing in doing at, I remembered someone so close to me. Yes. I am still holding onto the idea that he is still close to me. So close to my memory that he is still the resting place of my travelling thoughts about guys sneaking in and out of my mind. Every time I think of someone to be with someday and get tired of it, he comes in mind and instantly I whisper 'what if'.


I am a fan of the first and last love story. I want to be someone's first girl and someone's last, too. The hell I care in the in-between's of those two words. As long as he comes back, I am contented. I am idealistic when it comes to committing myself to somebody. Call me immature and so laid-back but that is what I want. But everything was shattered into pieces when my best buddy had his first girlfriend. All I thought I was the first on his list but... I do not know what happened next... It was too fast.


From then on, I was disgusted in committing with someone else. I was disgusted with the idea of having a boyfriend because all I  want back then was my best bud; my other half; my painting companion, my worst critic. But some girl from high school caught his attention. The buddy chats were all gone. He became impeccable. Well, impeccable should have been a nice word, but he became impeccably ARROGANT! ARGH... The hatred it all pours in.


Here it goes...


He had his girls well lots of them. Some I knew by heart. Some I knew from a distance. Since I still tried to bring back our old selves, I tried to comfort him in all the heart breaks that they were going through. Martyr right? NAY! I am still alive! Martyrs die, OK? They are obsessed with helping, I'm just obsessed in him. HAHA. -the old him- to make myself clear.


I got my suitors, too. Some are thin. Some are blessed to have food on their plates. *evil laugh. Well, YES, some of them are FAT, due to karma and loads of Divine Intervention they became handsome and DAMN so HOT! But still, I never said yes, not even to one of them! I realized I will die as a virgin and ... *read no more nothing follows... Just kidding.


So there, that was our life. Well, my life. Almost all of my friends were teasing me and telling me that I will have a PhD degree for the span of time that I am bewildered by his presence. Maybe they were right -before.


He was one of those few people that I never said no to -before.


I can't help but stalk his accounts and see who's the new girl he's with -before.


I can't help but say 'hi' to him and ask him how's he doing -before.


And yes, that was before; Before the time we graduated in high school; before the time I tasted my first kiss and something more than that; before the time I was blinded by the ecstatic feeling of being free; before the time that I let go of the song of Katy Perry saying "Comparisons are meant to be done, once you've had a taste of perfection"; before I knew that perfection is not really the word for him. Maybe it will if I am in his love story but NO. I've grown tired of the idea. I've grown tired of those happy-go-lucky days that it's OK to flirt around as long as I am not committed. I've grown tired of taking care of him with him slapping me on the face while saying "I can handle my life".


If so, BE IT!

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Flirting for me was like alcohol. You know it's bad but still you're craving for more, cause you can't go back to the reality that there is someone out there that will give you real happiness but can't be yours. Flirting is like alcohol. Who says I am not hurt when someone I flirted played by my rules? So again, it is like alcohol because the bitter taste of it retains on my taste buds. Regrets after a hang-over on flirting gives me head aches. And YEAH! Let's drink to that.

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And so let's proceed to today.

Why am I in this kind of mind set all over again?

Well basically, I was letting the time pass by visiting all my flirting cards' accounts. I dropped by his account not because he's one of them but because he's special. I need to visit him no matter what! HAHA. OK. Look who's talking she moved on and not to mention let go... SILLY ME.

He posted on his status "its hard to see people change ... especially when you miss the way they treat before :("

I am guilty. I kept on ignoring him a lot of times. I know that maybe his status is for someone else. OR maybe it was posted by his recent girl. I do not care, but I'm guilty. Because as time pass by, I realized that I was not the best bud for him after all. We were not what we were years ago.

I opened my eyes to the idea that the world does not revolve around him. So I ignored him. I did not care whether he'll be present in our groups' outing. I thought he's matured enough to update himself about it and be on time in our meeting place.

Well, call me judgmental but still he's the same old pa-special person.

and... I am the same old-new friend? OR am I still his friend on the first place?

should I call myself as one especially now that I do not care about him?

Well, maybe I still do because I am wasting my time thinking of the right words that I should type here, or maybe not because all I care about is to have another blog.

THIS IS SHIT!

This should have been an spontaneous story of non-committance! <- OK, COMMITTANCE does not exist in the dictionary... I hope it will someday.

Well maybe this is still a spontaneous story of non-commitment. Because I remain as a virgin, never been kissed, never been touched but such a total liar! HAHA. Ok. I've been kissed. I was touched... by that someone whom I want to be committed to, but suddenly walks out of my life. One thing is for sure, this is a spontaneous story of non-commitment because I'm still not committed and his name alone is the main reason why I laid all my flirting cards down.

*this is my ninth blog entry
He was the ninth person who danced with me on my debut
He has nine letters on his second name
I secretly call him Lucky 9...


Because the month of my birthday was the eleventh and the day of his birth is the 3rd... when you deduct them it makes a 9! <-This one's epic!


What's with nine anyway? HAHA.