So Far Away

I have so many things in mind that remain in there.

I have this plans like being a vegetarian or a fruitanerian; jogging around the Academic Oval in the wee hours of the morning; living a healthy life style; reading a lot of books. But all of those things remain undone. I do not know if it is just because I easily forget things, that is why I am not able to fulfill them, or I am just so busy thinking of so many other things that I am not capable of gaining enough will power on doing the things I wanted to do on the first place.


Of all this plans of change for myself, I started to notice that people around me started noticing something that was not me. I asked Rendel, a good friend of mine, directly. I told him whether he sees certain changes in me, and he answered with a fast 'yes'. I asked him again if I changed positively or negatively. Well, he answered in a vague "both". I asked him what are those things he noticed in me. Rendel did not answer. Instead he responded in a safe "I don't know."


Just last night I started a conversation with my mother. She wanted me to tell the things that is happening to me. Basically, last night, I was not in the mood in telling her my stories. I do not know why, I just don't want to. I just told her that nothing interesting is happening and there is really nothing interesting to talk about. I said goodbye and logged out. Just recently I read her message. She said, "Ang laki na ng pinagbago mo. Feeling ko hindi na tayo close." Well, physically and literally we are not close. Nanay works abroad and I am stuck here. But Nanay is the only family I have and I am aware of that. Before I read her message I had a really bad dream. I dreamt of Nanay dying of cancer. I tried to wake her up, instead of her waking up, I was the one who woke up. I woke up with moist eyes. I then realized that I haven't cried for a while now. 


I just realized that I started to I train myself on not thinking of things which were important to me before: my religion, the guys I liked and liked me back, the pictures which were corrupted in my malfunctioning laptop, some of my friends. Those were the things I did not mind of. Well those same things gave me enjoyment before. And now I give no importance to them anymore. It just hurts me every time I think that I am losing them, not knowing that the moment I accept that I already lost them I began losing myself as well. 

I am an open book. But I tried to hide things for myself. 

I do that to avoid being hurt over and over again; 

to avoid disappointing myself over and over again. 

First with my religion, I do not go to church anymore, because they were never tired nagging about the RH bill and ranting about the growing population of the LGBT community. Why can't they just promulgate a world that is gender free and a world that is pro poor? Why can't they open the gates of Ateneo, La Salle, and UST to the public if they really want to enlighten those who are folly and ignorant? If they are for charity and generosity, why does the church seems to be a systematized business institution?


Second, I do not think of those guys who have been in and out of my life because the latest one is a liar. I usually give second chances, then I realized how stupid I am to give it to those people who does not even know how to handle a second chance.


Third, I stopped being depressed about the files in my laptop because it just saddens me. Those were my collection. Then all of a sudden they were never recovered. I just told myself that nothing lasts forever and that includes my treasured pictures.


Fourth, I am able to let go of some of my old friends because I feel this sense that they, too, let go of me. I do this for my own sake. Friends just appear in times of need, but you will never have the assurance whether they will be there because they wanted to be there for the mere fact that you are there. The test for the genuineness of friendship is quite vague. So I'd rather not think of them anymore. 


As for my mother, she is way, way different. I do not want her to think that I stopped thinking of her. 


As for myself, maybe I am just a victim of the law of entropy. And I am towards more of my self destruction. On the optimist's thought, everything will be back to normal. Everything will be fine and that includes my self, even though that it is so far away.


P.S. I will get there. I will be back to normal. Soon. I guess...

I hope.