This is a BLUR

Hello, is an awkward word to start this blog or any blog of mine, but still I am using it to say HELLO to whoever you are who was able to read this far. So, as courtesy, I say Hello to you.

I am wearing the same clothes that I wore from a recent heart break. This pair brings back memories, though. But still I wore it, not for the sake of reminiscing, but for the sake that I have no choice but to wear it. Maybe it is obvious that I am still embittered by the fact, but that’s how it goes. Well, maybe I am, maybe I still am.

My whole day was good. I call this day my PHILO DAY, because literally I got Wednesdays and Fridays reserved for three Philosophy subjects, which inspired me to write for this almost rottening site. In philosophy we talked about love and it lead us to a hanging question that says, “Why do we need talk about love? In relation to ethics,” which, by the way, lead our professor to a brilliant idea for us to write a one page reflection paper about it. *no sarcasm intended. Which also lead him to the idea that it must be handwritten. Maybe he was just inspired because all of Plato’s dialogues were handwritten and he wants us to do the same. So there, it’s due on Friday by the way, remind me about it.

We also talked about the things that we usually think about. The first thing that came in my mind was, “Am I improving?” I do not know why I came up to that but I did not raise this question bluntly in class because I realized their answers are more practical pour our time and mental energies with compared to mine.

From that moment I started asking myself; why does money matters; why should people bluntly show their religious insights; why shouldn’t we just live in a gender free society; why should our grades matter; why there exists grade conscious people, can't they just let things be; why am I asking this from the very start when there are so many things more important to think of than this?

These questions are my escapes.

These questions give me the limitless freedom to think of what others ignore, what others see as nonsense. It is metaphysical I know, but aren’t these things the most important things to have a worry-free life or am I right to tell that these are my escapes for me not to ask things that revolve in my reality?

Fears, I hate them. When you start facing them, people will misinterpret this as the folly that’s armed with nothing but bravery. Well, as of now, I kept on suffocating myself to the idea that I should not fear anything, because everything I see every day is but part of what we call life. But I must admit, no matter how hard I try not to fear still I am afraid.

I am afraid of the idea that of all the things that I want to be settled in hand will never be settled. I am here, not yet settled on how I must settle things.

Every day I meet people who inspire me on being a better person. But still I do nothing about it. I meet people who inspire me to be thrifty, to be religious or to at least have faith, to study hard, to be the best. But it’s hard to dwell into what they know is right, to what they know is best if you yourself declines the idea because you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself and you can’t live the life with life per se.

I fear the thought of being controlled, of being monitored. I am not stubborn. I just want to break free. Break free from all the inhibitions that they write on their foreheads and force me to write on my own, too.

Bottom line is, it’s hard to believe on something and so much of so many things. The reality I want to build is not yet finish, maybe ideal is far beyond my grasp.