Flirting Cards Down

This is a spontaneous story of non-commitment.

As I lay all my cards down and reminisce all those things I failed to do and still failing in doing at, I remembered someone so close to me. Yes. I am still holding onto the idea that he is still close to me. So close to my memory that he is still the resting place of my travelling thoughts about guys sneaking in and out of my mind. Every time I think of someone to be with someday and get tired of it, he comes in mind and instantly I whisper 'what if'.


I am a fan of the first and last love story. I want to be someone's first girl and someone's last, too. The hell I care in the in-between's of those two words. As long as he comes back, I am contented. I am idealistic when it comes to committing myself to somebody. Call me immature and so laid-back but that is what I want. But everything was shattered into pieces when my best buddy had his first girlfriend. All I thought I was the first on his list but... I do not know what happened next... It was too fast.


From then on, I was disgusted in committing with someone else. I was disgusted with the idea of having a boyfriend because all I  want back then was my best bud; my other half; my painting companion, my worst critic. But some girl from high school caught his attention. The buddy chats were all gone. He became impeccable. Well, impeccable should have been a nice word, but he became impeccably ARROGANT! ARGH... The hatred it all pours in.


Here it goes...


He had his girls well lots of them. Some I knew by heart. Some I knew from a distance. Since I still tried to bring back our old selves, I tried to comfort him in all the heart breaks that they were going through. Martyr right? NAY! I am still alive! Martyrs die, OK? They are obsessed with helping, I'm just obsessed in him. HAHA. -the old him- to make myself clear.


I got my suitors, too. Some are thin. Some are blessed to have food on their plates. *evil laugh. Well, YES, some of them are FAT, due to karma and loads of Divine Intervention they became handsome and DAMN so HOT! But still, I never said yes, not even to one of them! I realized I will die as a virgin and ... *read no more nothing follows... Just kidding.


So there, that was our life. Well, my life. Almost all of my friends were teasing me and telling me that I will have a PhD degree for the span of time that I am bewildered by his presence. Maybe they were right -before.


He was one of those few people that I never said no to -before.


I can't help but stalk his accounts and see who's the new girl he's with -before.


I can't help but say 'hi' to him and ask him how's he doing -before.


And yes, that was before; Before the time we graduated in high school; before the time I tasted my first kiss and something more than that; before the time I was blinded by the ecstatic feeling of being free; before the time that I let go of the song of Katy Perry saying "Comparisons are meant to be done, once you've had a taste of perfection"; before I knew that perfection is not really the word for him. Maybe it will if I am in his love story but NO. I've grown tired of the idea. I've grown tired of those happy-go-lucky days that it's OK to flirt around as long as I am not committed. I've grown tired of taking care of him with him slapping me on the face while saying "I can handle my life".


If so, BE IT!

_______________________________________

Flirting for me was like alcohol. You know it's bad but still you're craving for more, cause you can't go back to the reality that there is someone out there that will give you real happiness but can't be yours. Flirting is like alcohol. Who says I am not hurt when someone I flirted played by my rules? So again, it is like alcohol because the bitter taste of it retains on my taste buds. Regrets after a hang-over on flirting gives me head aches. And YEAH! Let's drink to that.

_______________________________________

And so let's proceed to today.

Why am I in this kind of mind set all over again?

Well basically, I was letting the time pass by visiting all my flirting cards' accounts. I dropped by his account not because he's one of them but because he's special. I need to visit him no matter what! HAHA. OK. Look who's talking she moved on and not to mention let go... SILLY ME.

He posted on his status "its hard to see people change ... especially when you miss the way they treat before :("

I am guilty. I kept on ignoring him a lot of times. I know that maybe his status is for someone else. OR maybe it was posted by his recent girl. I do not care, but I'm guilty. Because as time pass by, I realized that I was not the best bud for him after all. We were not what we were years ago.

I opened my eyes to the idea that the world does not revolve around him. So I ignored him. I did not care whether he'll be present in our groups' outing. I thought he's matured enough to update himself about it and be on time in our meeting place.

Well, call me judgmental but still he's the same old pa-special person.

and... I am the same old-new friend? OR am I still his friend on the first place?

should I call myself as one especially now that I do not care about him?

Well, maybe I still do because I am wasting my time thinking of the right words that I should type here, or maybe not because all I care about is to have another blog.

THIS IS SHIT!

This should have been an spontaneous story of non-committance! <- OK, COMMITTANCE does not exist in the dictionary... I hope it will someday.

Well maybe this is still a spontaneous story of non-commitment. Because I remain as a virgin, never been kissed, never been touched but such a total liar! HAHA. Ok. I've been kissed. I was touched... by that someone whom I want to be committed to, but suddenly walks out of my life. One thing is for sure, this is a spontaneous story of non-commitment because I'm still not committed and his name alone is the main reason why I laid all my flirting cards down.

*this is my ninth blog entry
He was the ninth person who danced with me on my debut
He has nine letters on his second name
I secretly call him Lucky 9...


Because the month of my birthday was the eleventh and the day of his birth is the 3rd... when you deduct them it makes a 9! <-This one's epic!


What's with nine anyway? HAHA.

Creatively Changing

 

I do believe that I did not bump onto this video for no reason. I am an avid fan of Elizabeth Gilbert's book. I never knew that she will be speaking for me. And when, I say 'speaking for me', I never realized that she'll be unraveling all the emotional dilemmas that I am suffering, as I labeled myself to that narcissistic definition that I am a creative person.


Malaya, I may rename myself. But this time, the freedom I seized upon, took me to those intangible grounds that I never knew what I am stepping on or am I still stepping onto something. Those principles I held onto for years became ice cream that melted into the abyss of my thoughts. The sweet taste of inspiration began to be a not so inspiring imagination. I failed to hold onto the idea that I need to believe in something. I need to build the truth for my safety's sake.


I was so overwhelmed that I got freedom upon my hands that made me feel so omnipotent. I did not know that I am consuming all my mental strength and productivity to something that decays my creativity.


And so here I am, looking at Elizabeth Gilbert herself, as she slaps me on the truth of my messy, blurry, life. Here I am, in front of the messiah herself, as she scrapes down to the core of me, being an artist, being emotionally unstable and being myself.


I realized that I do not need to seek for an emotional crisis just to be creative, because the whole world I'm living in is in itself a crisis.

Eyes on Me

As of now, I am aware that I have approximately two and a half hours to greet you a very happy mother's day. I am also aware that I am a crammer and I know that you know that already. So here it goes...

I want you to know that I intentionally did not greet you the whole day. I want this day to end the happy way. I want this day to end my way. HAHA.

Today was the most fulfilling day of my life because I got the chance to stand as a guardian to approximately 32 children. Yes, Nay, you read that right, 32.

Everything that I did today reminded me of the things you've done for me. I taught them to draw. I thank you Nay for pacifying all my imaginations and letting me reveal it through my drawings. I thank you for buying me not just an eight set of crayons but 24. I thank you for fulfilling all my requests; for keeping my passions alive; for letting me live in a daydream; for letting me walk in a picture perfect life.

I thank you for letting me live a life filled with surprises. I thank you for letting me wake up in a birthday with a gift already beside me.

I thank you, for you never failed to read a good book for me during the night. Even though most of the time I leave you as the story continues its course inside my dreams. I thank you for leaving me alone in the bookstore as you laugh at me because I'm reading the book the wrong way. I thank you because you were able to drop me at the library and let me choose my favorite book. I thank you, because without you I cannot imagine myself being so interested in the course of learning.

I thank you because you know me more than I know myself.

I know that every parent is afraid of the monster within their children, because that same monster exists within themselves. I thank you because, at least in one way or another, you tamed my  monster down; that's how strong you are.

I thank you for staying single for eighteen years. I thank you for believing in true love; for trusting on the idea that Tatay is your one and only. 

I thank you for loving me more than you love yourself. I may not be the perfect daughter; I may not handle your work money well; I may be ranting all the time; but believe me Nay, it may not be that obvious, I'm trying to be a better person everyday because of you.

Thank you for accepting each and everything that I do (that I've done; that includes my vices). Thank you for the endless patience and forgiveness that only an omnipotent being could do. I thank you for being the living proof of His omnipotence. The only reason that makes me believe that He exists is having you in the first place.

Many may question the degree on how I love you because they know that I am hard-headed/ hard to handle. But I know that you're the only one who knows how to handle me the right way. Thank you, Nay.

I love you, in behalf of Tatay and well, myself, again Happy Mother's Day! :*

Just DON'T Wear Make-UP!

Here's how to make things clear. I have a personal bias on what they call a sensitive issue. I have a stand on what they insist is wrong. And as far as I can see things. Everyone seemed so narrow. Why not broaden your thinking? Think in the artistic way of expressing things; of seeing things. Art, I see solves everything. Art simplifies every argument they call is complicated. Art reveals the real sense of what they call is sensitive.

Now let me get things straight. The trending issue here is gays being in Miss Universe. Right? Everybody has a viewpoint on this. I'll share mine. I know this will not trend into greater impact, but at least an insight for everybody to see will do. An insight to how I really think will do.

First, I ask what is really wrong here? My eyes widened on the idea that gays are appealing to be in a Miss Universe pageant. Then sooner, I was interested into watching different beauties come to life. Be it the beauty that is from a woman and the beauty that is from a gay one. You see the answer are all in words.

You call it Miss Universe because beauty is universal. It comes in different forms. It is bestowed upon different people and we do not classify them being gays or women. We classify them as beautiful, that is why they deserve equal treatment into showing the world how beautiful they are. Besides both women and gay beauty pageant starts with Miss. Why not roll them into one and make it... Miss Universe, right?

Second, why should women be threatened by the presence of gays in that pageant? Again, this is a pageant of beauty. It is a battle of beauty and brains, not gender and what's under. Get it? Get the whole picture?

Third, I see gays as creative people; competent enough to be mixed with those they are comfortable in. There are some people who insist that everybody should be in the right place at the right moment. Now define, right again? How will we know if gays are not suited in such beauty pageants if we will not give them the chance to be in it? Equality between men and women were achieved through change. Why can't we give those who are in between sexes a chance for the change we, women once achieved?

To settle my point, if we will not open the doors to these creative gays in such beauty pageants. Then, don't let them work for the make-ups of your candidates. Don't let them sew the dresses of those women. Don't let them be the mind behind such artistry.  Just DON'T WEAR MAKE-UP yourselves! Women, why so selfish?

In their perspective, imagine the effervescence that gays feel once they see their own kind own the stage. Remember that they are the creative people behind such creative work of art you call, pageant... you call universal... They have the right to have a piece of cake in it.