This is a BLUR

Hello, is an awkward word to start this blog or any blog of mine, but still I am using it to say HELLO to whoever you are who was able to read this far. So, as courtesy, I say Hello to you.

I am wearing the same clothes that I wore from a recent heart break. This pair brings back memories, though. But still I wore it, not for the sake of reminiscing, but for the sake that I have no choice but to wear it. Maybe it is obvious that I am still embittered by the fact, but that’s how it goes. Well, maybe I am, maybe I still am.

My whole day was good. I call this day my PHILO DAY, because literally I got Wednesdays and Fridays reserved for three Philosophy subjects, which inspired me to write for this almost rottening site. In philosophy we talked about love and it lead us to a hanging question that says, “Why do we need talk about love? In relation to ethics,” which, by the way, lead our professor to a brilliant idea for us to write a one page reflection paper about it. *no sarcasm intended. Which also lead him to the idea that it must be handwritten. Maybe he was just inspired because all of Plato’s dialogues were handwritten and he wants us to do the same. So there, it’s due on Friday by the way, remind me about it.

We also talked about the things that we usually think about. The first thing that came in my mind was, “Am I improving?” I do not know why I came up to that but I did not raise this question bluntly in class because I realized their answers are more practical pour our time and mental energies with compared to mine.

From that moment I started asking myself; why does money matters; why should people bluntly show their religious insights; why shouldn’t we just live in a gender free society; why should our grades matter; why there exists grade conscious people, can't they just let things be; why am I asking this from the very start when there are so many things more important to think of than this?

These questions are my escapes.

These questions give me the limitless freedom to think of what others ignore, what others see as nonsense. It is metaphysical I know, but aren’t these things the most important things to have a worry-free life or am I right to tell that these are my escapes for me not to ask things that revolve in my reality?

Fears, I hate them. When you start facing them, people will misinterpret this as the folly that’s armed with nothing but bravery. Well, as of now, I kept on suffocating myself to the idea that I should not fear anything, because everything I see every day is but part of what we call life. But I must admit, no matter how hard I try not to fear still I am afraid.

I am afraid of the idea that of all the things that I want to be settled in hand will never be settled. I am here, not yet settled on how I must settle things.

Every day I meet people who inspire me on being a better person. But still I do nothing about it. I meet people who inspire me to be thrifty, to be religious or to at least have faith, to study hard, to be the best. But it’s hard to dwell into what they know is right, to what they know is best if you yourself declines the idea because you’re just putting too much pressure on yourself and you can’t live the life with life per se.

I fear the thought of being controlled, of being monitored. I am not stubborn. I just want to break free. Break free from all the inhibitions that they write on their foreheads and force me to write on my own, too.

Bottom line is, it’s hard to believe on something and so much of so many things. The reality I want to build is not yet finish, maybe ideal is far beyond my grasp.

Dear God,

If he's in heaven with You, I want You to tell Tatay that I miss him.

I want You to tell him that no matter what happens no one will be able to replace him. Although, I was never able to see him, I am still believing that someday You'll permit me to; You'll permit us to.

I want You to tell him that even though I hate this day, because everybody's greeting their dads a Happy Fathers' Day (and some people mistakenly sends me messages assuming that I still have one), still I want You to tell him that he's always the first person who comes in mind.

I want You to tell him that although there are no real and tangible reasons why I want to thank him I still do. I want You to tell him that I thank him because without him I may not be here, I may not enjoy the life I am in right now.

I want You to tell him that although I do not understand his reasons before, I am forcing myself in understanding it now.

I want You to tell him that although he failed to hug or hold me, I am assuming that he does that in my dreams.

I want You to tell him that even  though he left us I did not keep any grudges.

I want You to tell him that I whisper prayers directly to him every time everybody around me do not understand me at all. I want You to tell him that he is the only one I turn to when I do not have anyone in mind to tell all the secrets I have inside.

I want you to tell him that he is my inspiration in everything that I do. The lack of him sustains the creativity I have within.

I want You to tell him that I love him even before I knew him, and I still do that till this very day.

I want You to tell him that I am looking forward to seeing him till the last moment of my life.

Tatay, where ever you are, be safe. Keep us safe. Take care of Nanay, 'cause she loves you still.

Amen.

Eyes Wide Open

Albert Einstein said that ENERGY cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another. From that, I realized that ATTITUDE is a form of ENERGY, and I based that from the definition of energy itself. We are but normal people with different forms of energies in hand. Since science made the concept of understanding easy for us, it is our responsibility to dwell into science and start to understand. We MUST not force other people on the idea that they should stay the way they are before. Because they are people, they have their own attitudes, they possess unique kinds of energies. And as people we are slaves of change. We have the right to utilize the kind of energy bestowed upon us; whether we'll change it or conserve it. 


Many times I ask myself why people kept on asking. Why can't they just be silent and observe, so that they can find the answers themselves? At that point, I told myself that we are creatures of wisdom, we crave for knowledge, we crave for truth. And since I am a creature of wisdom, I start asking myself. What is vague to me is the idea of living in a black and white world. Why should we continuously say that we must live in black and white, can't we put into consideration the existence of gray as a kind of shade. And also the existence of other colors we know. Why settle on the idea that there are only two things to put into consideration, what is bad and what is good? Now tell me how bad is bad, and  how good is good?


Since I let you follow my thoughts in existence, I have to admit that there are vices that I want to defend. Vices which started to exist in me. Yes, they exist in me but it doesn't mean I let myself live with those vices forever. I smoke. And some people protest against smoking. What I understand in such protest is that they want to totally erase the idea of smoking or smoking itself in every inch of the world. As if smoking never existed. There, I want to proclaim my stand that when something is already injected in the existence of the world, it is impossible to erase such thing. If some people would build up a strong and brute force against it, living in the idea of having clean fresh air. Then I call them ridiculous. Call me ridiculous as well, if I still respect them though. I am ridiculously respecting them, if that's the case. If they continue such protest or campaign, I tell them, STOP using your cars and start biking instead. It's clean air you're after right? Why turn up the heat against smoking if there are so many things around us that we could focus on? We're just wasting all our mental and emotional energies to life forms we cannot mold into a new. Why not start with having an ANTI-BOASTFUL campaign instead?


I intentionally, spilled a disgraceful analogy, which I barely thought of because, I wanted to open up something on respect. We have to respect everyone no matter how bad or how good they are. The problem is, we usually think of what other people should do, or what other people should be, not knowing that we are losing focus on our own improvement.


I love Buddhism, aside from the fact that they were able to build a gender-free religion, they never force anyone to be engaged in Buddhism because they believe in the concept that only the person could find a way towards his own liberation.


The liberation of the mind and the spirit depends on who searches it and how he finds a way towards it; not on the concept that someone pointed the way and forced him to choose that path. It's not important whether it took him a long time to be there, as long as he was able to get there, then that's it. We just have to respect other people's views on matters. We may guide them but we have to be open on the fact that guidelines are useless to people who do not want to be guided.


To this, I say, STAY FREE, because I am looking forward to your liberation, my friend. And mine, too.

So Far Away

I have so many things in mind that remain in there.

I have this plans like being a vegetarian or a fruitanerian; jogging around the Academic Oval in the wee hours of the morning; living a healthy life style; reading a lot of books. But all of those things remain undone. I do not know if it is just because I easily forget things, that is why I am not able to fulfill them, or I am just so busy thinking of so many other things that I am not capable of gaining enough will power on doing the things I wanted to do on the first place.


Of all this plans of change for myself, I started to notice that people around me started noticing something that was not me. I asked Rendel, a good friend of mine, directly. I told him whether he sees certain changes in me, and he answered with a fast 'yes'. I asked him again if I changed positively or negatively. Well, he answered in a vague "both". I asked him what are those things he noticed in me. Rendel did not answer. Instead he responded in a safe "I don't know."


Just last night I started a conversation with my mother. She wanted me to tell the things that is happening to me. Basically, last night, I was not in the mood in telling her my stories. I do not know why, I just don't want to. I just told her that nothing interesting is happening and there is really nothing interesting to talk about. I said goodbye and logged out. Just recently I read her message. She said, "Ang laki na ng pinagbago mo. Feeling ko hindi na tayo close." Well, physically and literally we are not close. Nanay works abroad and I am stuck here. But Nanay is the only family I have and I am aware of that. Before I read her message I had a really bad dream. I dreamt of Nanay dying of cancer. I tried to wake her up, instead of her waking up, I was the one who woke up. I woke up with moist eyes. I then realized that I haven't cried for a while now. 


I just realized that I started to I train myself on not thinking of things which were important to me before: my religion, the guys I liked and liked me back, the pictures which were corrupted in my malfunctioning laptop, some of my friends. Those were the things I did not mind of. Well those same things gave me enjoyment before. And now I give no importance to them anymore. It just hurts me every time I think that I am losing them, not knowing that the moment I accept that I already lost them I began losing myself as well. 

I am an open book. But I tried to hide things for myself. 

I do that to avoid being hurt over and over again; 

to avoid disappointing myself over and over again. 

First with my religion, I do not go to church anymore, because they were never tired nagging about the RH bill and ranting about the growing population of the LGBT community. Why can't they just promulgate a world that is gender free and a world that is pro poor? Why can't they open the gates of Ateneo, La Salle, and UST to the public if they really want to enlighten those who are folly and ignorant? If they are for charity and generosity, why does the church seems to be a systematized business institution?


Second, I do not think of those guys who have been in and out of my life because the latest one is a liar. I usually give second chances, then I realized how stupid I am to give it to those people who does not even know how to handle a second chance.


Third, I stopped being depressed about the files in my laptop because it just saddens me. Those were my collection. Then all of a sudden they were never recovered. I just told myself that nothing lasts forever and that includes my treasured pictures.


Fourth, I am able to let go of some of my old friends because I feel this sense that they, too, let go of me. I do this for my own sake. Friends just appear in times of need, but you will never have the assurance whether they will be there because they wanted to be there for the mere fact that you are there. The test for the genuineness of friendship is quite vague. So I'd rather not think of them anymore. 


As for my mother, she is way, way different. I do not want her to think that I stopped thinking of her. 


As for myself, maybe I am just a victim of the law of entropy. And I am towards more of my self destruction. On the optimist's thought, everything will be back to normal. Everything will be fine and that includes my self, even though that it is so far away.


P.S. I will get there. I will be back to normal. Soon. I guess...

I hope.