I am afraid because I am religious.
I blend in what the society dictates me to be, yet the strong feeling of change urges me to push the society to changing its mind, to broadening its thinking, and to living a life where everyone deserves an equal treatment. I live in the status quo where a person like I am is not thoroughly accepted.
What can I do? I am only human. I could also feel what others may see as magical. I could also do the effort of those who are seeking for that same ecstatic feeling of being accepted, of being taken care of. Everybody deserves somebody, and I deserve my own ‘somebody’, too. And that somebody is someone I already knew, I already found, but I am too afraid to let her know. I am too afraid to spill the doubts. Showing her what I feel is easy, but telling her the truth behind all my actions might push her away. I do believe it is much better to stay like this, to keep her close, because no matter what happens she is the only best friend I could ever have. The only girlfriend I wish of having. What is really wrong with me? Is there really something wrong with me or it just so happened that the Church labeled me as wrong that is why I am continuously devoured by my own conscience? Am I really sinful? Why can’t they just accept me? Why can’t they just let me be? Why can’t they just let us be? The prayer of salvation reverberates upon my ear. How many times should I pray this, so that I would have the assurance that I will be saved despite of this feelings which they call odd, which I call my own? I could not take this any longer, after church I called her up. I decided we should meet in our favorite spot. She served as a priest who would listen to my confession. She stared at me, a reaction I never expected from her. She cried, “since when?” I replied, “I can’t remember, what I know right now is I want you, I need you. I want to have and need you.” She replied, “All this time, we were hiding feelings from one another.” I stood still, she hugged me, I hugged her back. For the first time I felt that I was accepted. I was accepted by the least person I expect would accept me. She was feeling the same, no wonder, she responds in every action I give to her. But still there will always be that heartbreaking ‘but’ of reality. She told me that she knows this would not last. She told me that maybe both of us are confused. She told me that it was better to stay the way we really are. She told me that many might disagree. I know I am aware that many will disagree, but who cares? Why should we be really affected by the stinging looks of society? Why? If to please God is our role, it is His role as well to understand what we please! If the Bible disagrees with the situation of us being together, how are we sure that the Bible is always right, should it be simply because the Bible says it is always right? Who are we to enter the mind of God? Are we Gods ourselves to tell our fellows who to be with and who to avoid.
"Why should we put so much effort into suppressing our basic most natural instincts?", Dr. Seigmund Freud once asked that, and so I am asking it now.
Still, I strongly believe that in the eyes of God we are all equal. It is just in the eyes of men that we are judged unequally. I continuously cast myself in the blanket of religion, where mediocre people who pretend they are flawless pray together with us, whom they call the sinners. I am afraid because I am religious, but to correct myself, I am afraid because I have a religion. I should have been trained to be courageous by the same religion I am in right now, but my religion, itself, discourages me. Who cares if I am lesbian? Do you?
Auricle. noun.– 1. the external part of the ear, 2. an upper cavity of the heart.
I blend in what the society dictates me to be, yet the strong feeling of change urges me to push the society to changing its mind, to broadening its thinking, and to living a life where everyone deserves an equal treatment. I live in the status quo where a person like I am is not thoroughly accepted.
What can I do? I am only human. I could also feel what others may see as magical. I could also do the effort of those who are seeking for that same ecstatic feeling of being accepted, of being taken care of. Everybody deserves somebody, and I deserve my own ‘somebody’, too. And that somebody is someone I already knew, I already found, but I am too afraid to let her know. I am too afraid to spill the doubts. Showing her what I feel is easy, but telling her the truth behind all my actions might push her away. I do believe it is much better to stay like this, to keep her close, because no matter what happens she is the only best friend I could ever have. The only girlfriend I wish of having. What is really wrong with me? Is there really something wrong with me or it just so happened that the Church labeled me as wrong that is why I am continuously devoured by my own conscience? Am I really sinful? Why can’t they just accept me? Why can’t they just let me be? Why can’t they just let us be? The prayer of salvation reverberates upon my ear. How many times should I pray this, so that I would have the assurance that I will be saved despite of this feelings which they call odd, which I call my own? I could not take this any longer, after church I called her up. I decided we should meet in our favorite spot. She served as a priest who would listen to my confession. She stared at me, a reaction I never expected from her. She cried, “since when?” I replied, “I can’t remember, what I know right now is I want you, I need you. I want to have and need you.” She replied, “All this time, we were hiding feelings from one another.” I stood still, she hugged me, I hugged her back. For the first time I felt that I was accepted. I was accepted by the least person I expect would accept me. She was feeling the same, no wonder, she responds in every action I give to her. But still there will always be that heartbreaking ‘but’ of reality. She told me that she knows this would not last. She told me that maybe both of us are confused. She told me that it was better to stay the way we really are. She told me that many might disagree. I know I am aware that many will disagree, but who cares? Why should we be really affected by the stinging looks of society? Why? If to please God is our role, it is His role as well to understand what we please! If the Bible disagrees with the situation of us being together, how are we sure that the Bible is always right, should it be simply because the Bible says it is always right? Who are we to enter the mind of God? Are we Gods ourselves to tell our fellows who to be with and who to avoid.
"Why should we put so much effort into suppressing our basic most natural instincts?", Dr. Seigmund Freud once asked that, and so I am asking it now.
Still, I strongly believe that in the eyes of God we are all equal. It is just in the eyes of men that we are judged unequally. I continuously cast myself in the blanket of religion, where mediocre people who pretend they are flawless pray together with us, whom they call the sinners. I am afraid because I am religious, but to correct myself, I am afraid because I have a religion. I should have been trained to be courageous by the same religion I am in right now, but my religion, itself, discourages me. Who cares if I am lesbian? Do you?
Auricle. noun.– 1. the external part of the ear, 2. an upper cavity of the heart.
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