9.05.2012

Happy Clutter

Today my mind is cluttered by thoughts of love, by thoughts of forgiving, forgetting, and letting go of the hurt. Then I realized I am wasting time; wasting time in thinking the "what if's" of those things that already happened. It is a warfare of my thoughts whether I will dwell into the refreshment of friendship ruined by a misinterpretation of love or whether I will not dwell into it at all.

It is but a normal reaction to be moronized by love. "Moronized" was the term I coy from our Philosophy class, whereas we agreed that it will be used as the act of being a moron due to an external force or urge. And that urge is what I call love. I am clouded on what I must prioritize because of this. A simple act of him coming back is such a great quake in my almost peaceful life. Today I may say that I am decaying into a moron again, which I must NOT permit myself to.

I am tempted to post a status about love. I am about to spill everything that I must say to him. Then a better resolution comes up to mind. Why not, NOT do it at all? What will it benefit me or him? What will other people benefit from it, if all they will read are rants and regrets regarding such an spectacular feeling called love? 

The more I learn of the things that are beneficial to the greater good, the more I set aside the lesser pleasures I have in life. And I see him as a lesser pleasure. He was the one who allowed himself to leave me, so be it. A decision once made, should be a decision he must stand for. No more points of turning back.

I changed. I know he changed as well.

Before I was ready to make my world revolve around him. Today I made a world without him in it. For him to show up out of nowhere is such a desperate act. Is he not aware that I am alright, better than alright without him? What is the point of coming back? Friendship? Well that is pathetic. I have high standards for friends to keep. He once debunked my idea of what love should be. And now, he is asking to regain an amiable relationship with one another. I can act as if nothing happened. But I cannot promise that I can be back to normal. A peaceful coexistence is executable. Having a casual talk with him is possible. And that's it. Nothing more.

I am happy surrounded by all the happy clutters I have in my room and in my life. There is no room for him to be a recycled clutter. To be fair, he once made me happy. But now, I see him as a clutter alone, no more trace of him making me happy for he continuously flood my mind with moments I do not want to remember anymore; with clutter I do not want to clean once more.

Stupid am I to clean a mess I already fixed. I am happy, give me time to have a better state, until I can forgive you, until we can forgive one another.

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